The Reflection

Bismillahirrahmanirahim...

Today something really struck me right in the heart. Today is really different than any other days that I have been through.  I have been living in my own empty world. The world where no one else have ever been. I have just realised something that its not an easy task to fight with yourself. To step out of your own world is not as easy as it look. There is always something that holding you back from going out of your comfort zone. Seeing the joy , happiness and love in other people eyes and faces is just wonderful. How I wish I be able to see that in myself again. Everything just went out of hands. There is no more love, no more joy no matter how hard I try. It just doesn't seem to work.

     Talking about love, tonight Christmas celebration theme is spread the love. Everyone go there with at least a partner but not me. Sitting there with no buddy to talk is just awkward.  Untill I saw Ika, atleast there is someone who I can talk to.There was a drama performance. Even though it was quite long but there is a meaning to it. The story is basically a reflection of myself. It was like me sitting there watching how my life has actually been. It really touches my heart. When I watch the play it feels like I was watching myself. A story about a boy who don't have any friends and feel neglected. Well its not actually how my life goes but there is a close relation to it. If only people could see the tears in my heart. If and only if... 

     Well one day you might feel the joy, the happiness and hopefully the love back. Lets wait for that day to come. For now just stay strong and do what you do best. Hold yourself together and keep fighting.

The unseen tears

Bismillahirrahmanirahim...

     Who knows sometimes behind those smile and laughter there's 1001 pain hidden. You never know how many tears has been hold to keep you moving ahead. Smiling is the only way to keep you moving forward. Even though you hurt you will still have to take a step to keep moving in life. No matter how painful life can be, no one will know the pain except for you. Life is so unfair sometimes. 

      Not many people like to listen to others problem. They will get bored, annoyed and at the end of the day HATE! That's what I think. It happens not once nor twice but few times. It makes me think will there actually be anyone who you could share your problem to , and in the end will still love you the way you are. Maybe its just best to conceal everything. Hold it in. No matter how painful it can be. No matter how much pain you have to endure it alone. Because you the one who facing the problem, why should you put burden on other people right? You share it so your burden is lighten and could be that it is transfer to others. Isn't it selfish? It sound nonsense but it could be true.

     At times when you get too close or attach to someone you will tend to reveal everything about yourself. At the end of the day they will not like you and leave or even worse they pretend to like you but they not. Anything is possible. Maybe its just best to not talk to anyone at all, because the more you talk the more your true character can be seen eventually people will hate you even more and that will make it worst. 

     I will always look at myself and think why am I so weak? I've talk about being yourself, love yourself but at the end of the day I fail to do so. I want to be independent but I cant. Why do you have to rely on other people? Why do you cry? Why can't you be happy? Why you having anxiety? Why be a  hypocrite? All I feel now is emptiness. I'm sitting in a dark pitch world seeking for the light. The fear inside has grown larger. There is always something that you scared of but you don't know what it is? The only think I want to do now is leave all the pain behind and turn over a new leaves. Leave everything and start over. But that's impossible. No matter how fast you try to run it will always catch up with you. The only think you could do now is try to be strong and keep walking with a smile. Live your life the way you want it. Maybe one day everything will ease. InshaAllah...

Tell me why???

Bismillahirahmanirrahim...

     I don't know why is this happening? Is it my fault? What did I do wrong? We dont talk anymore like we use to do. You have been the best person in my life.  You are one of the person that I will share everything. All my problems, good memories and more. But now suddenly it just getting akward everyday. I tried to get into conversation with you but seems like it doesnt work. Probally the more you know me the more you will tend to hate me. Its just sad that the person i could trust is avoiding me. I feel really bad about myself right now. I feel that I am just not a good person to be friend with anyone. The thing that I am good to my friend is sulking and complaining and all those bullshit. It just so fucked up. Well anyway if I did anything wrong do let me know. If I did something that really bad and make you uncomfortable do let me know. Its just sad to be loosing one of my close friend. But if you decide Im not fit to be your friens anymore than theres nothing I could do about it. Just wish you all the best in your life.

My Precious

Bismillahirahmanirrahim...

Pejam celik pejam celik, sudah masuk bulan ke 5 aku berada di Kolej Yayasan UEM ni. Terasa cepat pula masa berlalu. There're lots of thing that had happen while I'm here. Here is where we meet friends, enemies, people who hate you, people who like you, people you love and more. I've met with lots of amazing people all came from different background. The values that I learnt here that I feel very important are NO RACISM, RESPECT OTHERS and EVERYONE IS EQUAL no matter who you are, where you're from what race or religion you are, we all are the same. We help each other who is in need and support one another. 
      Over this past few months I've met with lots of amazing people, MY Hookers: Ariff, Bakhtiar, Adzmi and Asri. We're quite close before but now everybody are very busy with studying and all. Anyway they all are very nice and can be a good listeners sometimes.
      Next, Farah and Ameer. They are there when I needed them the most especially Farah, she knows quite a lot about me and my problems. A good listener and a good advisor. Even though sometimes I get annoyed JK hahaha. She will always be there when I need her. Thats what I really like about her. Ameer my 'gym buddy', well we rarely go to gym together now. But he is indeed a good friend. I still remember where he take care of me for 1 day because I have an aftermath leg day. Have to carry me around for 1 day. Thanks bud!
      Next, Sarah QATAR, my bae. She is so unpredictable sometimes. Very outgoing kind of person rough on the outside but gentle in the inside. She always has been there to listen to all my problems and whining. We share our problems and exchange our opinion. She take care all of her 'Babies' quite well and make sure each and everyone get enough amount of food to eat.
      Moving on we have the pair of 'Bae'itches. Geeth and Jasmeen. Its fun to hang around with them. Its joyful moment when we have them around . They both very friendly and outgoing. But dont make them angry you dont want to see their devil side. You'll get screwed!!
     Furthermore, I have my FELICIA KHAIRUL, my halal hoes hahaha. He is so unpredictable, not basics and definitely pleasant to be around him. We share some stuff together. He is a person you can trust. O yeah he will always fullfiled what he has promise which is good.
     Then I have Becky and Adlene. Becky is a nice person to hang around with. She understand me and can comfort me when i needed it. Very energetic and outgoing person. Adlene well I'm her punching bag. HEHEHHE. She is a nice person and unique in her own way. 

You guys have been such a great motivator and listener to me. Hope we can maintain our bond till our very last breath. All the best in study. Lets strive together.

P:S/ Theres a few more other people but so far stakat ni je larat nk tulis hahaha... Not forgetting my love El......

Me Farah Ameer Sara

Me Becky

Me Sara

Me KB

ME Geeth

arif asri sara bakh kb

sara jasmin geeth

Me and Lene

Adzmi ASRI Me Hakim Ariff

I love you...

The first time I saw you was during the first CP night dance meeting. I feel like the world around me had stop moving. The beauty I see in you is not only from the outside but in the inside. Sweet outgoing girl. That was the first time I talked to you. It meant the world to me. But then that was it. We never actually see each other for a few weeks.

The first time you hug n sit on me, my heart cant stop beating. My face was blushing. Im speechless. 

I also remember the first time we had breakfast together. We shared the same plate. After that we walk back and have a chat together at the walkway. It was amazing.

I always looking forward to have a picture taken with you every week. And yeah every Friday we make it our photo day even though sometimes we never get a chance to. But that is my way of getting closer to you if you notice.

.... I liked you the way you are. Even though u told me that when people like you they will prone to hate you. Well who cares why should I think of something that have not happen yet. Until now I have not stop liking you. Not just like but love. Yeah I love you. Whenever I try to say that my hand will start trembling and my heart will beat faster. So I can never actually say it. I'm waiting for the day I want to take you by the hand and just say 'Mi amor  I love you,' thats it. I don't expect anything else. I just want to let it out. 

I LOVE YOU❤️