Dear Crush

I don't know if you are the one but every time I look at you there is always a spark. The vibes I feel when I am around you is indescribable. We never talked but I always wanted to approach and start talking to you without feeling awkward. I feel like a stalker finding your IG and always find a way to be able to look at you everyday. I don't know if we ever gonna be together or even start talking to each other but I always hope we will. No matter what others think, I never loose hope. The dreams I had about you are sweet and memorable that I can remember. I am hoping for that one day that I can be by your side and you by mine. Doing all the things we like together, its hard for me to fall for someone but when I do its hard to let go. 

Past few months

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim....

Past few months has been hectic. A lot of thing has happened, with ups and downs. But one thing for sure I am relieve that I finish my AS paper already. 1 year down 1 year to go. Going back to January it was a good start of the year getting to meet with my friends back in college. Little did I know that its going to be a bumpy ride up ahead. I have realized that sometimes the most precious things that you have and cherish wont last long. I came to know who are the enemies and who are friends. Sometimes the person you taught to be your friend can just leave you without any reason. The struggle for sem 2 is real. My grades are going down as for my life too. I don't know whether I can keep going at that point. At a time I just feel like lie in bed cry my heart out , forget everything and wakeup the next day with every problem fade. Life doesn't work like that. I always tell myself to be myself. Live my life to my full potential. But the thing is I always need somebody to rely on. Always need someone to hold my hand. Even though I keep telling myself to be independent I'm not sure if I could. But I consider myself lucky to still have someone who is willing to give me their hand, support me through my hard time and motivate me to keep pushing further and further in my life. Life use to be a happy one but one wrong step you take can turn it into misery. 

To my current friend. Thanks for being there for me. There is nothing I could do to repay that and there is no word that could describe how thankful I am. You are there in times of needs and supporting me through my journey in life. I hope our friendship will last forever and more sweet bitter memory can be create together.

To my future friend. I might not seem friendly cause Im scared of opening up and be friend with people cause you might end up to hate me or annoyed by me. Ill try my best to be the best of friend I can be. 

To my Ex friend. Thanks for being there for me. I dont know why we have made our separate ways but I believe theres always a reason behind everything that had happened. Its just sadden me and make me wonder why cause we never have a proper closure. Anyway all the best in your life. RIP my once I called friends

To my enemy. I dont care if you want to hate me. Its none of my buisness. As long as you dont do anything bad to me I dont care. But dont cross the boundary. Just go live your life and F@#@$NG stay away from me. For whatever reason you hate me just stay away from me. I wouldnt mind.

Well I dont know how the next few months gonna be. But I know its not gonna be an easy ride. Whatever happen I just have to stay strong like I always did and push myself further. Find happiness and cure the saddness. Just be the best you can be and dont bother about what other people think. #sexyme

On the verge of giving up...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

As I took my little step towards the reality of life, there is always a force that pushing me further back. As I took a step to chase my dream there always something that hold me back. Life crisis just get messier every time. When one problem solved it wont take long for the other one to pop up. The moment when you try to be happy there is always something that will change that. I know life wont get easier. But I don't think I am capable of handling all of this situation at one. Trial is just around the corner. Thinking of how much I am prepared for it keep haunting me. I don't want to fail. I had enough experience of failing for this couple of month. I know how bad it feel. I know it hurts, but every time I'll try to keep going there is always a voice that holding me back. Thinking about EXAM, my life, my problems. Why am I so sensitive? I start to wonder what is it that I actually want. What is the reason for all this jumble up misery that had happened. If only if there is a reset button to life, would I want to start it all over??? That's what I've been asking myself.

     Should I just give up? Give up all my feeling so I wont feel the pain of getting hurt. Give up all the things that I am doing so I will be free of the stress. Giving up on loving so there is no reason to get hurt. Giving up on hope so you wont feel bad if you didn't get  what you want. Giving up on myself too end the misery??? I know its not the right thing. I am still holding strong onto myself that is starting to fall apart.

     The only thing I want to do is to cry. Cry and let my tears out. Let all the pain out. Let all the sorrow out. But I can't Every time I want to cry. I just cant. I've been learning to hold my tears, to hold onto my problems. To hold onto the hatred, the pain. Its all jumbled up and start to consume me slowly. When I think I almost get the happiness that I wanted something will come and snatch it away. Probably I am just a person who like to give but can never received. I care too much for others, always taking care of their feeling and thoughts. Sometimes I didn't think what I say that might hurt other. But the only thing I am trying to do is make them happy. But when you give too much you can't expect to get the same thing that you give... STAY STRONG! YOU CAN DO THIS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Confusion

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

When life gets messed up you don't know what to do and which turn to take along the road. Always keep in mind never put high hopes on anything. But what if that is the only choice you have. Hope! Hope that everything will be alright. Hope that everything will work out. Hope you will get what you wish for. And hope to love and be loved. The question now is there such thing as hope? Who knows, the past few months of my life hope are what I have been holding on to. Maybe it's time to let it go and face the reality.

When you can't make yourself happy then make someone happy.If you can't make someone love you then you can just love them. If you can't wipe your own tears than make sure others tears won't touch the ground. If your inner part is hurt make sure your outer part looks amazing. If people can't accept you then you just have to accept the fact. When nothing seems to be on your side now just learn to accept it. When your past haunts you just learn to forget it. When you made a mistake, then learn something from it. Life don't get easier, so just do what you can to survive. If you have been holding on to pieces of yourself, make sure you don't lose any of them. Because one day you might look back to those pieces of memory that make you who you are.

I know it hurts but you have to stay strong. You don't know the reason why, so you shouldn't assume why. Maybe its just you or it could be true. The things in your mind only you who knew. Nothing can be explained until you untangled the mess. Make sure whatever you do, Don't ever make a mess. This is me from the inner you, telling you I'm here for you. People think you crazy, but you are you. If they don't want you I'm here for you........

Special Someone

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Ever since I enter KY the only I thought about is to change. Forget everything that had happen in the past and open a new chapter in life. The fear of never getting a friend still haunt me. The person who be my friend will end up hating me when they know the real me or they wont even bother consider me one.

     Then I met this daring girl who couldn't careless about what others thought about her. Very fun cute, adorable little girl. Try to get close to her but never had a chance to do so before. Well it doesn''t look like she wanted to be friend with me or anything. I also tried talking to her but we just couldn't find a thing that can make us friend. Well kind of like this daring girl but never dare to actually tell her that. Well when you just met someone you couldn't just go and tell her that. Right?

     But then I found away to actually get close to her and it changes my life. The person who knows me in and out. The person who has been there for me through hard times. The person I could always rely on. She will always be there. I know sometimes it hurts when she treated others in a more special way than she treated you. But you just have to learn to deal with it. As long as she still by your side it should be fine. Well I hope she will always be there. 

     Not seeing her make me think about her. When she is hurt I can feel it too. If someone hurt her I will hate that person. I dont know why? I'm clueless. We made a vow which is quite funny. But I'll keep that in mind. Maybe one day one of it could come true. The one that I am hoping to come true. But knowing her I don't think it will work. Because..... 

The struggle

Bismilahhirahmaniirahim...

Every time I want to do something great for myself there is always something that stop me. I try to be independent, I try to be strong, I try to be able to do something that can make me happy but I am just too scared. The fear grows bigger in me day by day. I am scared to walk alone out there in the open. I want to be normal. I want to talk to people. I want to be able to make myself happy and enjoy life out there. But everytime I try to step out of my comfort zone I will start to tremble and all the negative thoughts will come to mind. I want to be able to walk out there with people accepting me the way I am. To be able to walk happily out in the street. Not some weirdo who is lonely and sad. As much as I want to be someone who is confident with what they do and how they talk it just doesn't seem to work.

     I thought that this sem-break I could go out and chase after my small dream of being a model. But I'm just too scared. There is too many hurdles to face. My family and myself. I don't know how to tell them my dream into wanting to try to be a model and explore the world. They doesn't seem to like that idea. There has been a lot changes that had happen lately. There some good one and some not that interesting. To be able to confront my fear to talk to my family is my biggest challenge. I am just too scared that the result will make me feel bad. Everyday I woke up just wishing that this fear will be gone, my anxiety just flew away and I am able to chase after my dream.

     During this break I miss my friends, well not just any friends my buddies. I really need them right now. I might be a bit selfish but they always be there to help me face my fear. Comfort me in times of need. Hold my hands to give me strength and warm hugs to keep me calm and happy. Thoughts of failing is killing me. Thoughts of giving up is haunting me. Thoughts of hope is slowly fading. The thoughts of love slowly faint. Just trying to pull myself together and hope it wont break apart. 

1 problem solved

Alhamdulillah, finally the problems that has been bordering me finally solve. It was just a miss communication thing. I am so glad that everything is settled before the break. I am so happy that you are still there for me. I hope everything will go back to normal. Looking foward to spend time with you again next semester. There a few things I want to share and hope you can give me advice or atleast comfort me. Hope to see you soon.

P:S/ This is only a short pose hahahahahah....