The struggle

Bismilahhirahmaniirahim...

Every time I want to do something great for myself there is always something that stop me. I try to be independent, I try to be strong, I try to be able to do something that can make me happy but I am just too scared. The fear grows bigger in me day by day. I am scared to walk alone out there in the open. I want to be normal. I want to talk to people. I want to be able to make myself happy and enjoy life out there. But everytime I try to step out of my comfort zone I will start to tremble and all the negative thoughts will come to mind. I want to be able to walk out there with people accepting me the way I am. To be able to walk happily out in the street. Not some weirdo who is lonely and sad. As much as I want to be someone who is confident with what they do and how they talk it just doesn't seem to work.

     I thought that this sem-break I could go out and chase after my small dream of being a model. But I'm just too scared. There is too many hurdles to face. My family and myself. I don't know how to tell them my dream into wanting to try to be a model and explore the world. They doesn't seem to like that idea. There has been a lot changes that had happen lately. There some good one and some not that interesting. To be able to confront my fear to talk to my family is my biggest challenge. I am just too scared that the result will make me feel bad. Everyday I woke up just wishing that this fear will be gone, my anxiety just flew away and I am able to chase after my dream.

     During this break I miss my friends, well not just any friends my buddies. I really need them right now. I might be a bit selfish but they always be there to help me face my fear. Comfort me in times of need. Hold my hands to give me strength and warm hugs to keep me calm and happy. Thoughts of failing is killing me. Thoughts of giving up is haunting me. Thoughts of hope is slowly fading. The thoughts of love slowly faint. Just trying to pull myself together and hope it wont break apart.