On the verge of giving up...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

As I took my little step towards the reality of life, there is always a force that pushing me further back. As I took a step to chase my dream there always something that hold me back. Life crisis just get messier every time. When one problem solved it wont take long for the other one to pop up. The moment when you try to be happy there is always something that will change that. I know life wont get easier. But I don't think I am capable of handling all of this situation at one. Trial is just around the corner. Thinking of how much I am prepared for it keep haunting me. I don't want to fail. I had enough experience of failing for this couple of month. I know how bad it feel. I know it hurts, but every time I'll try to keep going there is always a voice that holding me back. Thinking about EXAM, my life, my problems. Why am I so sensitive? I start to wonder what is it that I actually want. What is the reason for all this jumble up misery that had happened. If only if there is a reset button to life, would I want to start it all over??? That's what I've been asking myself.

     Should I just give up? Give up all my feeling so I wont feel the pain of getting hurt. Give up all the things that I am doing so I will be free of the stress. Giving up on loving so there is no reason to get hurt. Giving up on hope so you wont feel bad if you didn't get  what you want. Giving up on myself too end the misery??? I know its not the right thing. I am still holding strong onto myself that is starting to fall apart.

     The only thing I want to do is to cry. Cry and let my tears out. Let all the pain out. Let all the sorrow out. But I can't Every time I want to cry. I just cant. I've been learning to hold my tears, to hold onto my problems. To hold onto the hatred, the pain. Its all jumbled up and start to consume me slowly. When I think I almost get the happiness that I wanted something will come and snatch it away. Probably I am just a person who like to give but can never received. I care too much for others, always taking care of their feeling and thoughts. Sometimes I didn't think what I say that might hurt other. But the only thing I am trying to do is make them happy. But when you give too much you can't expect to get the same thing that you give... STAY STRONG! YOU CAN DO THIS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!